I was abused when I was a child. The details and situation are unimportant. My immediate family are the best people I know. They are truly good people, shirt-off your back kind of people as we would say back home. But one fact remains: My overwhelming drive to better to prove to myself that I am good enough. I know it's was not my fault. I have had counseling and even more counseling. I spend most of my time helping others. It is my addiction and I am alright with that.
The deeper realty of an abused child wanting or needing to be perfect is the need to know they are good. Truly good to the core. I adopted my foster son knowing he had been tortured by his bio-mom's second husband. All the memories are coming crashing back. He doubts his self-worth and believes nothing he does it good enough. I look for every opportunity to remind him of that. Allowing your child to fail without judgement. Tell them it's alright to make mistakes. Mistakes make us who we are. Be patient. Be empathetic. Then give yourself a break as well. There is no perfect parent. Perfection is not necessary to parent a child. Determination and grit are required to get up every morning. It is all about endurance not perfection.
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Raising children with mental health conditions is challenging. I know what you are living thru with the moody child and the defiant child. Your patience wears thin and you just want them to just get up and do the things you need them to do. Your frustration leaks into your communication and walls go up. Instead of loving each other you are at war instead. Would you really tell someone how you feel if they had just told you that you were lazy or rude? You know you wouldn’t and probably have had a boss or two that has treated you like crap. How well did you work for them after they treated you with disrespect? Go back to a time where someone in your life judged you harshly. Remember those feelings and respond honestly. Would you really confide your feelings of fear and sadness to someone who you felt sat in judgement of you? When your family is struggling, take the time now to ask yourself why? Ask why without playing the blame game. When I began to examine my frustrations, I noticed much of my anger really came from a place of shame. I wanted my kids to act appropriately in public. When they did not, which was all time when I was fostering them, I would sometimes get frustrated. Part of the why for me was I cared more about what others thought of me then what my children thought of me. I cared about other’s perception of me than how my children felt. My daughter would sleep too much and then tell me she was tired all the time. I would get frustrated with her and we would argue. My anger was getting me nowhere. I was lucky my daughter and I had a good relationship otherwise or she may have stopped talking to me all together. My worry over not looking like the perfect family flew out the window when my daughter experimented with drugs to help her cope with her depression. When I stopped telling her how to do things and started asking her why she was feeling depressed, things start to change for her and us as a family. I want more than anything for you not to make the same mistakes I made. I would encourage you to start with these three steps:
A child with schizophrenia may need extra rest due to headaches that accompany the voices. A child with depression may feel restless or tired frequently. My daughter’s quality of sleep is naturally poor. She slept only a few hours and then would wake up again. She was in bed but never really rested. We found that sleeping medication helped her fall asleep and then sleep deeper. Quality of rest can make a hug difference in a person attitude and general health. If you are always tired, then getting out of bed is pointless. I used to assume that since she went to bed at 9 and I woke up at 7 that she had slept thru the night when I went to wake her up for school. It wasn’t till I stopped judging her as lazy that I really questioned her about how many hours did she actually sleep. She would dwell on the loss of her boyfriend and why kids at school didn’t like her. She tried to sleep to forget but never slept deep enough to be truly recharged. Better sleep is key to coping with mental illness. We can’t discount or ignore our loved ones’ thoughts and feelings just because we don’t understand them. We have to do better than that. We have to go counseling with them. We have to validate them in meetings with doctors. We have to find ways to build trust so they feel open enough to share what’s really going on. One very important thing you can do for yourself and your child is document their behavior daily. You can get fancy and use an app if you want. I used Mood Panda for awhile with my son. The psychiatrist even asked him to log it himself. He did for like two days. I think it is overwhelming for them to admit to some of their feelings. As a parent, you can add this to planner or put on the family calendar. Any thing that gives you a date to reference. So the next time the Doctor asks how your kid is doing, you can pull out the calendar and show them. This especially important if a medication increase or decrease is needed. You have probably heard of EBT or Evidence Based Treatment. You need to be part of that evidence. You may be struggling with a child you believe to be Bi-Polar or ODD. The best information you can give the doctor is dates and behavior or mood. You will be either surprised by the trends you see or it will confirm your observations and feelings about your child. I am tracking my son's moods right now to help rule out or prove Bi-Polar. His physicist was concerned about it due to his birth mother and father's family history. Jot a note every day of the overall behavior of your child. If the mood swings are severe, note it hourly. You are the expert on your child. Get the evidence you need. Take your calendar into the doctor. Show them the evidence and have that discussion. I have sat in visits where life was so overwhelming that when asked "so how is your son doing?", I burst into tears. All I could say were "things are bad..really bad". Start recording behaviors and moods now and then look at a week, two weeks and month. It will help you become a better advocate for your child.
As always, remember how amazing you are. How wonderful you. How caring you and that you are trying. Stop thinking your a horrible parent or failed them some way. Keep going. Keep trying. If you truly want to love child unconditional, start with yourself first. As a family with mental un-wellness, I am used to the cops coming to my house. I have embraced it. Try to remember they can be one of your greatest ally’s if you approach the situation with this in mind: What can my child learn from this situation? And how can I use their presence to help me parent when they leave? Never see them as the enemy. If you are the one calling ask for a CIT officer. They are specifically trained to deal with mental illness issues and are very knowledgeable and understanding. If they have training, you can talk to them about the situation in the context of your child’s diagnosis and get the help you really need for your child. Don’t see them as a threat to your family. You have to start now to come to terms with the embarrassment or judgement you might feel about yourself because of your kid's behavior and let it go. It is their behavior not yours. Sheer exhaustion actually gave me the inner awakening that I needed. I just became too tired to care what others thought of me. I gave up the embarrassment of what the neighbors might think and started thinking about making this a teaching moment for my children. Actions have consequences. Cops being called and coming to our house means someone's action are out of control. Each time I have been blessed with an amazing officer that will be direct with my child and tells them what may happen if they remain out of control. One time my son was escorted to the ER by the cops. It was the case manager for the mental health center that failed me that time not the cops. Each time I had a man in a uniform tell my child to stop or they would be taken in. I had one guy drive my daughter around the block in the cop car to help her understand what she was doing was wrong. My daughter with autism has had her brushes with the law and probation as well. Each time the officer probation pulled me aside and said, "Let me be the bad guy..." I had rules and consequences. They just had better consequences. As a single parent, I felt supported by the cops saying you have to follow or do these things they are the law. The father figure in my home is either a cop or social worker. I am not embarrassed by that. I take what I can get and keep going. I just open the door and welcome them in. Just remember to stay calm and ask for help.
Every kid makes mistakes. I took a wonderful parenting class as a foster mom many years ago. The class taught us to embrace our kids mistakes as a learning process. If we shield our children from every consequence, we are doing them a disservice. Let them have the consequences now while they are small instead of a major life altering mistake later. I truly believe that is valuable for them to make mistakes now. My son has PTSD and may have early onset schizophrenia. My son had flashbacks and in that haze can become aggressive. He choose to attack me one night. The cops were called by my son's CBRS worker. They are not a threat. They are there to keep everyone safe. The cop that came tonight was my favorite so far. He sat at my kitchen table and told us that how hearing voices had to be very hard on my son. He was understanding and empathetic. My son had pushed my daughter so she grabbed the phone and called the cops on him. The cop validated my daughter by saying she had every right to call and that she needed to be safe. He asked what I thought about the situation and we talked about how my son still had to be accountable for his actions. My daughter didn’t want to press charges. She just wanted the cop to talk to him about not hitting her when he was mad. The cop asked me what I thought he should do and I just asked him to sit and talk with him. Officer Smith (real last name) had us stay in the kitchen while he went into the other room and talked to my son. I listened and am very grateful to this officer. He talked to my son about respect and keeping people safe. He even showed empathy to my son about how he was feeling but stressed handling his feelings in a safe way. All the things the counselor, his social worker, his teachers and I have been talking to him about for years. Do you think he got it when then cop sat next to him and told him. I really think that guy got thru to him. Using empathy is really vital. When we seek to understand something or someone, the validation brings trust. The officer had instant respect with my son by telling him he understood about the voices and knew that had to be hard. He said he was to keep everyone safe. My favorite part was when the officer asked him to see both of his eyes not just one. He spent the time to get thru to my son on so many levels. Officers have to choose to be CIT officers and go thru tons of training to help people with mental illness. I am truly grateful for their help. I ended up giving the cop some of my business cards when he left. I thanked him for coming and getting thru to him. He took my cards and said he would pass them on to families he met. There are compassionate people that will come into our children’s life when they need it. I have had CPS out to the house on a claim from my son that I was hurting him. They interviewed my children. Both my daughters laughed at the CPS worker and one of my daughters even went as far to say, "Well, my mom should spank him. He definitively needs it sometimes. But my brother was abused before he came to our house so she wont. But trust me, I would if I was her." The CPS worker ended up pulling the foster care file and looked into his birth parents records. She actually foretold what is happening to our family right now. She sat and told me I should prepare for the worst because both birth parents were schizophrenic. She closed the file as a false report from my son. I think her exact words were "Good luck with him because you are going to need it." I don't believe in luck. I believe that I have been prepared day by day to handle the situation with my son. I have gotten to the right people and am doing what is right for him. Whatever you want to call it - Karma or God has brought me to this place of peace in my heart that I will have the strength to help him understand and cope with this. I believe there is hope and that belief is enough. My son learned a very valuable tool for recovery in the mental facility he was placed in. He was struggling to get a hold on reality and the counselor there worked on teach him on how to ground himself by using his five senses. Tapping into all five sense can help anchor a person in the now. I have also used my phone and snapped a shot of him to prove to my child that the things he is seeing things that are not there. Looking at the picture on my phone he could with his own eyes he could see that no one else was in the room with us. He had proof that the other boy wasn't there. Holding and gripping my hand helped him stop feeling like he was floating away. Tuning into my voice with his ears helped him tune out the voices in his head. Tasting something hot like Tabasco or something sour like a lemon juice packet usually stops the flashbacks all together. Smelling something strong like eucalyptus or lavender seems to soothe and calm his nerves and help him forget the smell of his abuser.
At the facility, they had a comfort room that he would like to go into. We would sit in there and just talk. He would tell me details of his abuse I wish I could forget. He used a weighted blanket and laid on bean bag and tell me how he wanted to forget. I promised him to remake the comfort room in our house when he got home. I have his therapy animals and things that help him cope with his overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. Since I knew he had to face the world at some point, I made a traveling comfort kit. He has used the kit at school many times. His teacher has a better one than I do so I am covered if he forgets him. He carries it in his backpack. He doesn't tell anyone just reaches in to his backpack to find a way to cope. At the end of the article is an example of a comfort kit, I built him to travel with him. Simple but effective. You can even ground your child without the kit by asking them to tell you what things they can see, that they can touch, smell, hear and what can they taste. I work with a family that used the technique in the car while waiting in a drive thru. We worked on the four senses and and after getting the food thru the window, the kids swore it was the best they had ever had. Dealing with our feelings is sometimes tapping into what we have around us to get us back to reality. Our extreme feelings can take over when we are escalating. Practice "Give me 5" with your kids when they are calm. It is a skill that has to be developed. The body works on muscle memory. Practicing a coping skill is your kids new workout. Remember to have them practice using it during calm and fun times. No one at peak or "seeing red" can stop immediately and start coping. Honestly, I have never calmed down just because someone told me to. Most of the time that just made me more angry because my adrenaline had already told my body that it was fight or flight time. For the body, it was all chemical after that. Remind your child when they seem like they are starting to look like they might be frustrated to "Give you 5". I have asked my son what he feels like when he gets mad. He says his fist start to clench. Help them isolate the physical response they are feeling and use that a prompt to let themselves know when to calm down. Along with this technique and every thing else you try as a parent, remember forgiveness is fundamental. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. We all have bad days. The key is to keep trying and not giving up. Praise the littlest improvement in your child and YOURSELF! I remember sitting on the couch in the counselor's office and looking a picture on the wall as my son told the counselor he heard voices and saw things. My son told him about a hand that came over the car and a shadow that came out of the wall. I tried so hard to concentrate on the picture so I wouldn't cry. It didn't work. I turned my face away from them acting like I was looking at different picture. When the tears began to roll down my face, I was careful to not make a sound. The counselor noticed I was losing it and he spoke reassuringly to me, "a lot of things can make a person see things that are not there. High anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress can cause hallucinations as well". My son said that it had felt real and he just wanted it to stop. The counselor went on to thank my son for telling him about what happened and that he believed him. My son seemed relieved. We went from there to the psychiatrist's office. We had to tell the story again. I never realized how tired you can get from just talking. I was exhausted and the scary things weren't even happening to me. She listened and thanked him for telling her what was really going on with him. She said if he was really honest when they spoke she could help. She had him try different types of drugs. Some worked and some drugs made things worse. At one visit, she advised me that my son said he want to kill me. She put him on a different mood stabilizer and he went to my ex's for the weekend. The psychiatrist is an amazing women and really listens to my son and I. She is just one of many people that I have wrapped around my son to keep him in my home instead of in an institution. Talking about how your feeling and if your meds are working is small talk for us at my house. It is apart of who we are as a family. We are medication compliant at my home. Some people take medication and some choose holistic methods. I am not saying that as a parent you must medicate your child for them to be "good". It depends on the kid and the diagnosis. Reach out and find what works for your family. Again no judgement.
First and foremost, we need to believe our loved ones. Seek to understand their reality. Reassure and comfort them. If we begin to judge them, the chance of saving their lives now or later may be lost due to mistrust and fear. We have to believe what they say and take them to someone or lots of someones to get more information. Knowledge is power. Knowing how they really feel instead of getting what my daughter would say is the teacher answer of "I don't know or I don't care" is critical. We have to do better than that. We have to go into counseling with them. We have to validate them in meetings with doctors. We have to find ways to build trust with our child so they feel open enough to share what is really going on with them. My son's birth parents have a long history with CPS and I was fully prepped of their mental health issues when I adopted my son. I knew he had a chance of this happening because they are both schizophrenic. I feel that being open and nonjudgmental lays a foundation of trust. My son has ADHD as well and mood swings and I have taken him to mental health professionals in his earlier years. I had one doctor even tell my son that he should never try illegal drugs because it could make him hear voices as well. My son was like that is awful and they had a really open talk about how drugs can hurt your brain. It was probably not how I would have started the conversation with my son years ago but I look back now and it is one more thing that allowed us to get him help and keep him safe. My son is an amazing kid and so are my girls. They are all beautiful and creative. My middle daughter read my blog and said she wanted to add to it. I was surprised and happy that she was bold enough to speak out about how she felt as a teenager with depression. We will be posting her journal entries into my blog maybe next week. When her teacher saw her journal, he told my daughter about his depression. It was a bonding moment for them and they support each other at school now. She says, "He really gets it". I am glad someone at her school gets it. My son's school is just as understanding and have built a crisis plan around him at school so he can deal with flashbacks or the voices in healthy way. The teachers and I have practiced grounding techniques together. 1. We both ask these questions when we ground him: What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you taste? 2. We both have comfort kits to use with my son is struggling with his feelings. One at home and one at school. Many things are in the box. It can turn his day around. Read my blog on comfort kits to make one if your child is going thru a stressful situation. 3. We both give him a calm place to go when he is overwhelmed and they even worked in a stop to the health class where all the pets at school are. We must be open to all there is to learn and be open when something scares us. If we are open, then we have a chance. I had a reader post a comment on my blog when I posted it to BoredPanda.com. BoredPanda is a fun site, but they said something very simple and meaningful that I think we have to do something about and fast. How many people are out there now feeling alone and are struggling with the fear of rejection from the ones they love because they hear voices or see hallucinations? How many are alone and feeling lost but are more afraid of losing the ones they love than dealing with the hallucinations or delusions. I try to imagine what my son is going thru some days and I wonder if I could get up the next day if I was him. My children are the strongest people I know. They still get up every morning and keep going. Who can really judge another? Who can really understand what it feels like to have schizophrenia expect another schizophrenic? I can use empathy to be vulnerable to the process and be open without judgement. If I am vulnerable with another person in the truest sense I just listen and support. No judgement. Don't listen to speak but listen to understand. Staying a place of non judgment doesn't mean you don't protect everyone or yourself, it just means we don't label anything good or bad. It is what it is. Non judgement allows you to deal with the symptoms and allow the individual to feel open enough to share what is happening. Stay in a place of non-judgement with your loved ones. Stay open and believe them. Believe them so they don't have to be alone. Believing them may save their lives. Family Support Partners are here to help families realize their strengths. How many times have you walked in an office or a meeting room and heard about your child's list of weaknesses or what they can't do? The list rambles on and points out how far off they are from kids their age as well. Why do we allow it to happen. I would challenge everyone to start from what a child can do and speak of their strengths first. Let us turn this all on it's head. For example, at the beginning of an IEP, let us say the positives first so the child may be reminded how much he has grown and how much he has accomplished. Let the child find hope in their own IEP not judgement.
The process of raising a child with mental wellness issues is challenging. My biggest mistake is buying into other people's judgment of my children. I felt judged as well. Judgement fuels shame and shame turns to blame. We as parents feel judged at every meeting we go to. You know what your child's short comings are and so do they. Coming from a place of strength can help them remember their strengthens instead of weaknesses. Do we one more time need to remind them that they are less than others in their class? Our empathy has to be higher for our children. Let us come from a place of strength to remind us as well as them that the labels don't define them. They are unique and have things to offer the world. It may seem too simple, but try it. Are we only looking at their weaknesses? How do you treat yourself? Do we look at our strengths as a parent? We must care for ourselves too. A good planned cry can help. I have become a master at crying into my pillow. Not on but into the pillow. Exact instructions are as follows: Take your pillow from the ends and place it over your face. Hold the ends tight by cupping your hands over the pillow to your ears. Seated position is best. If it is wrapped tightly from ear to ear and over your mouth as you cry, it becomes a good way to muffle the sound. We have to recognize our own feelings and release them. When I started taking care of myself as well as my children things began to improve for everyone. One of my new goals is to stop clenching my teeth and go for more walks when I am angry. One of our family goals is calling "Turtle" if a discussion turns heated. The first person that calls "Turtle" has to walk away and the other has to as well. This must be practiced when times are semi-calm. Finding the good in each other has to start now. Coping skills and new ways of reacting need to be practiced. The key is to pre-teach these topics in periods of mental wellness or even semi-wellness. You can not expect your child to learn coping skills when he is at a low of depression or a height of anger. Be patient on the lows and plan for crisis. I still have our family plan written on a board in the kitchen from last year. My oldest daughter wanted consequences and then we stated what those would be for someone not following family rules or hurting others. My son's contribution was being kind. In a crisis, we must remember to be kind to the person going thru the crisis. My middle daughter put on the board that we have to talk things out if things get bad. As a family we have the answers if as parents we ask questions then listen. My children have struggled with self esteem issues since they came to stand on my door step. Counseling helps. Counseling as a family really helps. Pointing out the good things about our children to them helps as well. How is a child supposed to feel good about themselves if they have already heard a million times what is wrong with them? I believe in getting a diagnosis in the aspect it helps me know what to do with my child's behavior. It is that password to get services and then it is a road map. The one thing I think we forget to do is allow the child some control of their own recovery. I say some because as parents some of our hardest decisions are made when trying to protect one child from another. As a Family Support Partner, I help families realize their strengths, prioritize their needs, communicate, and overcome the challenges. My son's mental wellness is a challenge given to our family. Has it been overwhelming, confusing, and scary. Yes, it has but I don't have to go it alone. Neither do you. Family Support is a service covered by Medicaid and other forms of insurance. It can help you put into practice what the counselor is teaching in session. My family has agreed to let me share their lives in hopes of helping other families. My kids are all adopted from foster care. They all come from abusive or neglectful pasts. I fostered them and fell in love. I got my girls at 5 and 6 and my son came later at 7. He was severely abused by his birth mother's second husband. He came into foster care at 6. Last year, a prank pulled on him by another boy brought back horrible memories that my son had forgot. The crack in the dam got bigger each day and memories started flooding out. He hallucinates. He dissociates. He hears voices. My son has PTSD flashbacks. His official diagnosis is Disruptive and Dis-regulated Mood Disorder with PTSD flashbacks. His birth mother and father both have schizophrenia. I have changed jobs and am doing this blog to find support and give support to others going thru similar situations. I bottled it all up and would tell everyone that things were OK. It wasn't and it still isn't. I may have to put him into care if he becomes violent. The voices have stopped trying to control him and are now encouraging him instead. He said it's hard to fight that if he is angry. He is such an amazing person. I don't want to put him in a hospital but I may have to. Please share your situation and together we can find hope. |
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