I remember sitting on the couch in the counselor's office and looking a picture on the wall as my son told the counselor he heard voices and saw things. My son told him about a hand that came over the car and a shadow that came out of the wall. I tried so hard to concentrate on the picture so I wouldn't cry. It didn't work. I turned my face away from them acting like I was looking at different picture. When the tears began to roll down my face, I was careful to not make a sound. The counselor noticed I was losing it and he spoke reassuringly to me, "a lot of things can make a person see things that are not there. High anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress can cause hallucinations as well". My son said that it had felt real and he just wanted it to stop. The counselor went on to thank my son for telling him about what happened and that he believed him. My son seemed relieved. We went from there to the psychiatrist's office. We had to tell the story again. I never realized how tired you can get from just talking. I was exhausted and the scary things weren't even happening to me. She listened and thanked him for telling her what was really going on with him. She said if he was really honest when they spoke she could help. She had him try different types of drugs. Some worked and some drugs made things worse. At one visit, she advised me that my son said he want to kill me. She put him on a different mood stabilizer and he went to my ex's for the weekend. The psychiatrist is an amazing women and really listens to my son and I. She is just one of many people that I have wrapped around my son to keep him in my home instead of in an institution. Talking about how your feeling and if your meds are working is small talk for us at my house. It is apart of who we are as a family. We are medication compliant at my home. Some people take medication and some choose holistic methods. I am not saying that as a parent you must medicate your child for them to be "good". It depends on the kid and the diagnosis. Reach out and find what works for your family. Again no judgement.
First and foremost, we need to believe our loved ones. Seek to understand their reality. Reassure and comfort them. If we begin to judge them, the chance of saving their lives now or later may be lost due to mistrust and fear. We have to believe what they say and take them to someone or lots of someones to get more information. Knowledge is power. Knowing how they really feel instead of getting what my daughter would say is the teacher answer of "I don't know or I don't care" is critical. We have to do better than that. We have to go into counseling with them. We have to validate them in meetings with doctors. We have to find ways to build trust with our child so they feel open enough to share what is really going on with them. My son's birth parents have a long history with CPS and I was fully prepped of their mental health issues when I adopted my son. I knew he had a chance of this happening because they are both schizophrenic. I feel that being open and nonjudgmental lays a foundation of trust. My son has ADHD as well and mood swings and I have taken him to mental health professionals in his earlier years. I had one doctor even tell my son that he should never try illegal drugs because it could make him hear voices as well. My son was like that is awful and they had a really open talk about how drugs can hurt your brain. It was probably not how I would have started the conversation with my son years ago but I look back now and it is one more thing that allowed us to get him help and keep him safe. My son is an amazing kid and so are my girls. They are all beautiful and creative. My middle daughter read my blog and said she wanted to add to it. I was surprised and happy that she was bold enough to speak out about how she felt as a teenager with depression. We will be posting her journal entries into my blog maybe next week. When her teacher saw her journal, he told my daughter about his depression. It was a bonding moment for them and they support each other at school now. She says, "He really gets it". I am glad someone at her school gets it. My son's school is just as understanding and have built a crisis plan around him at school so he can deal with flashbacks or the voices in healthy way. The teachers and I have practiced grounding techniques together. 1. We both ask these questions when we ground him: What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you taste? 2. We both have comfort kits to use with my son is struggling with his feelings. One at home and one at school. Many things are in the box. It can turn his day around. Read my blog on comfort kits to make one if your child is going thru a stressful situation. 3. We both give him a calm place to go when he is overwhelmed and they even worked in a stop to the health class where all the pets at school are. We must be open to all there is to learn and be open when something scares us. If we are open, then we have a chance. I had a reader post a comment on my blog when I posted it to BoredPanda.com. BoredPanda is a fun site, but they said something very simple and meaningful that I think we have to do something about and fast. How many people are out there now feeling alone and are struggling with the fear of rejection from the ones they love because they hear voices or see hallucinations? How many are alone and feeling lost but are more afraid of losing the ones they love than dealing with the hallucinations or delusions. I try to imagine what my son is going thru some days and I wonder if I could get up the next day if I was him. My children are the strongest people I know. They still get up every morning and keep going. Who can really judge another? Who can really understand what it feels like to have schizophrenia expect another schizophrenic? I can use empathy to be vulnerable to the process and be open without judgement. If I am vulnerable with another person in the truest sense I just listen and support. No judgement. Don't listen to speak but listen to understand. Staying a place of non judgment doesn't mean you don't protect everyone or yourself, it just means we don't label anything good or bad. It is what it is. Non judgement allows you to deal with the symptoms and allow the individual to feel open enough to share what is happening. Stay in a place of non-judgement with your loved ones. Stay open and believe them. Believe them so they don't have to be alone. Believing them may save their lives.
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Family Support Partners are here to help families realize their strengths. How many times have you walked in an office or a meeting room and heard about your child's list of weaknesses or what they can't do? The list rambles on and points out how far off they are from kids their age as well. Why do we allow it to happen. I would challenge everyone to start from what a child can do and speak of their strengths first. Let us turn this all on it's head. For example, at the beginning of an IEP, let us say the positives first so the child may be reminded how much he has grown and how much he has accomplished. Let the child find hope in their own IEP not judgement.
The process of raising a child with mental wellness issues is challenging. My biggest mistake is buying into other people's judgment of my children. I felt judged as well. Judgement fuels shame and shame turns to blame. We as parents feel judged at every meeting we go to. You know what your child's short comings are and so do they. Coming from a place of strength can help them remember their strengthens instead of weaknesses. Do we one more time need to remind them that they are less than others in their class? Our empathy has to be higher for our children. Let us come from a place of strength to remind us as well as them that the labels don't define them. They are unique and have things to offer the world. It may seem too simple, but try it. Are we only looking at their weaknesses? How do you treat yourself? Do we look at our strengths as a parent? We must care for ourselves too. A good planned cry can help. I have become a master at crying into my pillow. Not on but into the pillow. Exact instructions are as follows: Take your pillow from the ends and place it over your face. Hold the ends tight by cupping your hands over the pillow to your ears. Seated position is best. If it is wrapped tightly from ear to ear and over your mouth as you cry, it becomes a good way to muffle the sound. We have to recognize our own feelings and release them. When I started taking care of myself as well as my children things began to improve for everyone. One of my new goals is to stop clenching my teeth and go for more walks when I am angry. One of our family goals is calling "Turtle" if a discussion turns heated. The first person that calls "Turtle" has to walk away and the other has to as well. This must be practiced when times are semi-calm. Finding the good in each other has to start now. Coping skills and new ways of reacting need to be practiced. The key is to pre-teach these topics in periods of mental wellness or even semi-wellness. You can not expect your child to learn coping skills when he is at a low of depression or a height of anger. Be patient on the lows and plan for crisis. I still have our family plan written on a board in the kitchen from last year. My oldest daughter wanted consequences and then we stated what those would be for someone not following family rules or hurting others. My son's contribution was being kind. In a crisis, we must remember to be kind to the person going thru the crisis. My middle daughter put on the board that we have to talk things out if things get bad. As a family we have the answers if as parents we ask questions then listen. My children have struggled with self esteem issues since they came to stand on my door step. Counseling helps. Counseling as a family really helps. Pointing out the good things about our children to them helps as well. How is a child supposed to feel good about themselves if they have already heard a million times what is wrong with them? I believe in getting a diagnosis in the aspect it helps me know what to do with my child's behavior. It is that password to get services and then it is a road map. The one thing I think we forget to do is allow the child some control of their own recovery. I say some because as parents some of our hardest decisions are made when trying to protect one child from another. As a Family Support Partner, I help families realize their strengths, prioritize their needs, communicate, and overcome the challenges. My son's mental wellness is a challenge given to our family. Has it been overwhelming, confusing, and scary. Yes, it has but I don't have to go it alone. Neither do you. Family Support is a service covered by Medicaid and other forms of insurance. It can help you put into practice what the counselor is teaching in session. My family has agreed to let me share their lives in hopes of helping other families. My kids are all adopted from foster care. They all come from abusive or neglectful pasts. I fostered them and fell in love. I got my girls at 5 and 6 and my son came later at 7. He was severely abused by his birth mother's second husband. He came into foster care at 6. Last year, a prank pulled on him by another boy brought back horrible memories that my son had forgot. The crack in the dam got bigger each day and memories started flooding out. He hallucinates. He dissociates. He hears voices. My son has PTSD flashbacks. His official diagnosis is Disruptive and Dis-regulated Mood Disorder with PTSD flashbacks. His birth mother and father both have schizophrenia. I have changed jobs and am doing this blog to find support and give support to others going thru similar situations. I bottled it all up and would tell everyone that things were OK. It wasn't and it still isn't. I may have to put him into care if he becomes violent. The voices have stopped trying to control him and are now encouraging him instead. He said it's hard to fight that if he is angry. He is such an amazing person. I don't want to put him in a hospital but I may have to. Please share your situation and together we can find hope. |
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