Raising children with mental health conditions is challenging. I know what you are living thru with the moody child and the defiant child. Your patience wears thin and you just want them to just get up and do the things you need them to do. Your frustration leaks into your communication and walls go up. Instead of loving each other you are at war instead. Would you really tell someone how you feel if they had just told you that you were lazy or rude? You know you wouldn’t and probably have had a boss or two that has treated you like crap. How well did you work for them after they treated you with disrespect? Go back to a time where someone in your life judged you harshly. Remember those feelings and respond honestly. Would you really confide your feelings of fear and sadness to someone who you felt sat in judgement of you? When your family is struggling, take the time now to ask yourself why? Ask why without playing the blame game. When I began to examine my frustrations, I noticed much of my anger really came from a place of shame. I wanted my kids to act appropriately in public. When they did not, which was all time when I was fostering them, I would sometimes get frustrated. Part of the why for me was I cared more about what others thought of me then what my children thought of me. I cared about other’s perception of me than how my children felt. My daughter would sleep too much and then tell me she was tired all the time. I would get frustrated with her and we would argue. My anger was getting me nowhere. I was lucky my daughter and I had a good relationship otherwise or she may have stopped talking to me all together. My worry over not looking like the perfect family flew out the window when my daughter experimented with drugs to help her cope with her depression. When I stopped telling her how to do things and started asking her why she was feeling depressed, things start to change for her and us as a family. I want more than anything for you not to make the same mistakes I made. I would encourage you to start with these three steps:
A child with schizophrenia may need extra rest due to headaches that accompany the voices. A child with depression may feel restless or tired frequently. My daughter’s quality of sleep is naturally poor. She slept only a few hours and then would wake up again. She was in bed but never really rested. We found that sleeping medication helped her fall asleep and then sleep deeper. Quality of rest can make a hug difference in a person attitude and general health. If you are always tired, then getting out of bed is pointless. I used to assume that since she went to bed at 9 and I woke up at 7 that she had slept thru the night when I went to wake her up for school. It wasn’t till I stopped judging her as lazy that I really questioned her about how many hours did she actually sleep. She would dwell on the loss of her boyfriend and why kids at school didn’t like her. She tried to sleep to forget but never slept deep enough to be truly recharged. Better sleep is key to coping with mental illness. We can’t discount or ignore our loved ones’ thoughts and feelings just because we don’t understand them. We have to do better than that. We have to go counseling with them. We have to validate them in meetings with doctors. We have to find ways to build trust so they feel open enough to share what’s really going on.
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One very important thing you can do for yourself and your child is document their behavior daily. You can get fancy and use an app if you want. I used Mood Panda for awhile with my son. The psychiatrist even asked him to log it himself. He did for like two days. I think it is overwhelming for them to admit to some of their feelings. As a parent, you can add this to planner or put on the family calendar. Any thing that gives you a date to reference. So the next time the Doctor asks how your kid is doing, you can pull out the calendar and show them. This especially important if a medication increase or decrease is needed. You have probably heard of EBT or Evidence Based Treatment. You need to be part of that evidence. You may be struggling with a child you believe to be Bi-Polar or ODD. The best information you can give the doctor is dates and behavior or mood. You will be either surprised by the trends you see or it will confirm your observations and feelings about your child. I am tracking my son's moods right now to help rule out or prove Bi-Polar. His physicist was concerned about it due to his birth mother and father's family history. Jot a note every day of the overall behavior of your child. If the mood swings are severe, note it hourly. You are the expert on your child. Get the evidence you need. Take your calendar into the doctor. Show them the evidence and have that discussion. I have sat in visits where life was so overwhelming that when asked "so how is your son doing?", I burst into tears. All I could say were "things are bad..really bad". Start recording behaviors and moods now and then look at a week, two weeks and month. It will help you become a better advocate for your child.
As always, remember how amazing you are. How wonderful you. How caring you and that you are trying. Stop thinking your a horrible parent or failed them some way. Keep going. Keep trying. If you truly want to love child unconditional, start with yourself first. As a family with mental un-wellness, I am used to the cops coming to my house. I have embraced it. Try to remember they can be one of your greatest ally’s if you approach the situation with this in mind: What can my child learn from this situation? And how can I use their presence to help me parent when they leave? Never see them as the enemy. If you are the one calling ask for a CIT officer. They are specifically trained to deal with mental illness issues and are very knowledgeable and understanding. If they have training, you can talk to them about the situation in the context of your child’s diagnosis and get the help you really need for your child. Don’t see them as a threat to your family. You have to start now to come to terms with the embarrassment or judgement you might feel about yourself because of your kid's behavior and let it go. It is their behavior not yours. Sheer exhaustion actually gave me the inner awakening that I needed. I just became too tired to care what others thought of me. I gave up the embarrassment of what the neighbors might think and started thinking about making this a teaching moment for my children. Actions have consequences. Cops being called and coming to our house means someone's action are out of control. Each time I have been blessed with an amazing officer that will be direct with my child and tells them what may happen if they remain out of control. One time my son was escorted to the ER by the cops. It was the case manager for the mental health center that failed me that time not the cops. Each time I had a man in a uniform tell my child to stop or they would be taken in. I had one guy drive my daughter around the block in the cop car to help her understand what she was doing was wrong. My daughter with autism has had her brushes with the law and probation as well. Each time the officer probation pulled me aside and said, "Let me be the bad guy..." I had rules and consequences. They just had better consequences. As a single parent, I felt supported by the cops saying you have to follow or do these things they are the law. The father figure in my home is either a cop or social worker. I am not embarrassed by that. I take what I can get and keep going. I just open the door and welcome them in. Just remember to stay calm and ask for help.
Every kid makes mistakes. I took a wonderful parenting class as a foster mom many years ago. The class taught us to embrace our kids mistakes as a learning process. If we shield our children from every consequence, we are doing them a disservice. Let them have the consequences now while they are small instead of a major life altering mistake later. I truly believe that is valuable for them to make mistakes now. My son has PTSD and may have early onset schizophrenia. My son had flashbacks and in that haze can become aggressive. He choose to attack me one night. The cops were called by my son's CBRS worker. They are not a threat. They are there to keep everyone safe. The cop that came tonight was my favorite so far. He sat at my kitchen table and told us that how hearing voices had to be very hard on my son. He was understanding and empathetic. My son had pushed my daughter so she grabbed the phone and called the cops on him. The cop validated my daughter by saying she had every right to call and that she needed to be safe. He asked what I thought about the situation and we talked about how my son still had to be accountable for his actions. My daughter didn’t want to press charges. She just wanted the cop to talk to him about not hitting her when he was mad. The cop asked me what I thought he should do and I just asked him to sit and talk with him. Officer Smith (real last name) had us stay in the kitchen while he went into the other room and talked to my son. I listened and am very grateful to this officer. He talked to my son about respect and keeping people safe. He even showed empathy to my son about how he was feeling but stressed handling his feelings in a safe way. All the things the counselor, his social worker, his teachers and I have been talking to him about for years. Do you think he got it when then cop sat next to him and told him. I really think that guy got thru to him. Using empathy is really vital. When we seek to understand something or someone, the validation brings trust. The officer had instant respect with my son by telling him he understood about the voices and knew that had to be hard. He said he was to keep everyone safe. My favorite part was when the officer asked him to see both of his eyes not just one. He spent the time to get thru to my son on so many levels. Officers have to choose to be CIT officers and go thru tons of training to help people with mental illness. I am truly grateful for their help. I ended up giving the cop some of my business cards when he left. I thanked him for coming and getting thru to him. He took my cards and said he would pass them on to families he met. There are compassionate people that will come into our children’s life when they need it. I have had CPS out to the house on a claim from my son that I was hurting him. They interviewed my children. Both my daughters laughed at the CPS worker and one of my daughters even went as far to say, "Well, my mom should spank him. He definitively needs it sometimes. But my brother was abused before he came to our house so she wont. But trust me, I would if I was her." The CPS worker ended up pulling the foster care file and looked into his birth parents records. She actually foretold what is happening to our family right now. She sat and told me I should prepare for the worst because both birth parents were schizophrenic. She closed the file as a false report from my son. I think her exact words were "Good luck with him because you are going to need it." I don't believe in luck. I believe that I have been prepared day by day to handle the situation with my son. I have gotten to the right people and am doing what is right for him. Whatever you want to call it - Karma or God has brought me to this place of peace in my heart that I will have the strength to help him understand and cope with this. I believe there is hope and that belief is enough. My son learned a very valuable tool for recovery in the mental facility he was placed in. He was struggling to get a hold on reality and the counselor there worked on teach him on how to ground himself by using his five senses. Tapping into all five sense can help anchor a person in the now. I have also used my phone and snapped a shot of him to prove to my child that the things he is seeing things that are not there. Looking at the picture on my phone he could with his own eyes he could see that no one else was in the room with us. He had proof that the other boy wasn't there. Holding and gripping my hand helped him stop feeling like he was floating away. Tuning into my voice with his ears helped him tune out the voices in his head. Tasting something hot like Tabasco or something sour like a lemon juice packet usually stops the flashbacks all together. Smelling something strong like eucalyptus or lavender seems to soothe and calm his nerves and help him forget the smell of his abuser.
At the facility, they had a comfort room that he would like to go into. We would sit in there and just talk. He would tell me details of his abuse I wish I could forget. He used a weighted blanket and laid on bean bag and tell me how he wanted to forget. I promised him to remake the comfort room in our house when he got home. I have his therapy animals and things that help him cope with his overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. Since I knew he had to face the world at some point, I made a traveling comfort kit. He has used the kit at school many times. His teacher has a better one than I do so I am covered if he forgets him. He carries it in his backpack. He doesn't tell anyone just reaches in to his backpack to find a way to cope. At the end of the article is an example of a comfort kit, I built him to travel with him. Simple but effective. You can even ground your child without the kit by asking them to tell you what things they can see, that they can touch, smell, hear and what can they taste. I work with a family that used the technique in the car while waiting in a drive thru. We worked on the four senses and and after getting the food thru the window, the kids swore it was the best they had ever had. Dealing with our feelings is sometimes tapping into what we have around us to get us back to reality. Our extreme feelings can take over when we are escalating. Practice "Give me 5" with your kids when they are calm. It is a skill that has to be developed. The body works on muscle memory. Practicing a coping skill is your kids new workout. Remember to have them practice using it during calm and fun times. No one at peak or "seeing red" can stop immediately and start coping. Honestly, I have never calmed down just because someone told me to. Most of the time that just made me more angry because my adrenaline had already told my body that it was fight or flight time. For the body, it was all chemical after that. Remind your child when they seem like they are starting to look like they might be frustrated to "Give you 5". I have asked my son what he feels like when he gets mad. He says his fist start to clench. Help them isolate the physical response they are feeling and use that a prompt to let themselves know when to calm down. Along with this technique and every thing else you try as a parent, remember forgiveness is fundamental. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. We all have bad days. The key is to keep trying and not giving up. Praise the littlest improvement in your child and YOURSELF! |
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